P O S T E D B Y S A L L Y
WCT blogger Albert Ruesga met the Countess Apraxina at a Tolstoi Foundation reception a few years back. She offers a unique perspective on American culture and philanthropy. “Alyosha” is a Russian nickname for “Alexei.” She never properly learned Albert’s name ...
Dearest Alyosha—
Past two weeks have had terrible time sleeping! Riviera is furnace thanks to your Mr. Al Gore’s global warming. I have prescription for Ambiens size of golf balls, but they stop working, so am ask new boi toi Philippe to read me from your blonk. So dull, Alyosha. I am asleep before he reaches—how you say?—first semicolonk. Social justice this! Social justice that! Such blind and stupid fool you are, my lapushka, although I mean this only in nicest way.
I have an e-mails from latest client, Fox News, telling me Ford Foundation was to blame for emancipation of serfs. What tragedy for Russia! I tell you, my little kotik, my Great Great Great Uncle Georgiy was, by all accounts, like father—almost god—to his serfs. We did not need your philanthropy in Spas-Klepiki. Fortunately serfs on our estates died of disease long before anything like philanthropy became necessary. Mr. Darren Walker has much to answer for, you will believe me!
You write about empowerment of peasants, Alyosha, but you have never witness horrifying spectacle of toothless woman in headscarf breaking wind after potato harvest! Now you have peasant children streaming over your borders and your Mr. Hopey Changey flying them back to country of origin! Веры ридикулус! Hours after they eat every little pretzel on airplane, they are on your borders again! I am suggest to Fox News is more effective to spend little more money and fly children to Gaza Strip, but editors didn’t like idea because I couldn’t work in anti-gay angle.
I am go boating this afternoon with Michele Bachmann. Will leave cell phone on. Call me.
— Apraxina
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