New Products for Philanthropoids!

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Introducing the ALL- New Initiativ-a-Lator®

I like this one because I often get stuck.  Millions of dollars in foundation assets pressuring me to make the world a better place and I just sit there like a dried blowfish without a thought in my head!

Imagine my delight when I inserted the AA batteries into my Initiativ-a-Lator® and, with one flick of a switch, transformed my feebleminded ideas into a $25 million, five-year program to end poverty!

There’s a special offer on orders placed before September 1, 2012: You receive the  “First Program of Its Kind” press release template that turns your ill-conceived initiative into a paragon of Strategic Grantmaking.  If your program tanks, use the optional  “Mea Maxima Culpa” template to win valuable Transparency Points® for you and your foundation.

 

The Equali-Tea Party Play Set

For the little justice warrior in all of us.  You couldn’t have missed the TV ads with the jaunty jingle:

 ♪ Go put out your best ♫
 ♪ For your multi-cultural guests ♫

What’s in the box?  A miniature  18-piece tea service and a full complement of Equali-Tea Party Dolls spanning a dizzying range of worldviews and values that frequently come into horrible, violent conflict with one another.  The set includes a 1:4 scale Eleanor Roosevelt action figure with spring-loaded Karate Chop Arm® to keep your tea party guests in line.

The Junior Flipchart Paper and Easel kit (sold separately) instantly transforms your animated tea party into a dull but earnest convening.

 

The Impact Investor Z80

What is impact investing?  I think it involves bringing people at the Bottom of the Pyramid (ancient Egyptian slaves?) into the market by selling them things they can ill-afford to buy.  This is called “stimulating consumer interest and demand.”  Whatever it is, I know I fell in love with this product the first time I saw the ad:

(Image: Impact Investor Z80 sportscar speeding up a steep mountain road lined with alpine flowers.)

Announcer: You want a machine than can help you leave all those thin and volatile operating margins behind—

(Sound of revving engine.)

Help you forget that your inventory is long on “push” commodities, erase the challenges of building your Bottom of the Pyramid value chains.

(Screeching of tires as sportscar negotiates a hairpin turn.)

From triple bottom line to front of the line: The new Impact Investor Z80 can pro-actively extend your business model to create digital, re-engineered, data-driven synergies.

I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds plausible.

 

Comments

[Grace]

You forgot FOUNDATION MAKEUP!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAe503dqhiw

[i.a.t.]

Or that new spray, BULLSHIT AWAY!

[Barbara Sanderson]

Dear Mr. Resuga:

Thank you for your review of our products.

We would like to inform your readers of optional upgrades of the Initiative-a-Lator:

1) The Logic-Modulator: Socially constructs positive outcomes for all initiatives regardless of efficacy into tidy linear models.

The dashboard (and who does not love dashboards?) of the Modulator uses our patented “Metrics Cloud” technology.

The system can generates an overwhelming set of believable social indicators about complex social phenomenon and can attribute causality to all of your grants with a touch of a button.

2) We are also pleased to announce an upgrade to the “ROIDS” or Return on Investment Data System. It can now upload a “big data” dump from GuideStar and the Foundation Center.

The system monetizes your philanthropy and creates collateralized grant options that you can sell in the philanthrocapitalist marketplace.

Thank you for your interest in our growing product line.

Sincerely,

Barb Sanderson, Director of Marketing and Communications.

Strategic Philanthropic Impact Technologies

[I. N. Flammation]

I can vouch for the ROIDS product. One of my colleagues got the High Efficiency Matrix Manipulation Applet or HEMMA-ROIDS model, and that's helped her get to the bottom of her data dump challenges.

[Ernst]

LOL! Bare ass! You can see it right through his pants! =:-o

[Ernest]

I don't know how you guys do this work. You must be Aliens or something.

[Roger White]

I am sorry but...what is the Intiative-a-lator exactly?