White Courtesy Telephone

New Advances in Conference-Related Medicine

Innovations in Fundraising: Spinning Straw Men into Gold

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The October 20th New York Times brought us this item*:

After Rush Limbaugh referred to Iraq war veterans critical of the war as “phony soldiers,” the CEO of Clear Channel Communications, the parent company of Mr. Limbaugh's syndicator, Premiere Radio Networks, received a letter of complaint signed by 41 Democratic senators. Mr. Limbaugh decided to auction the letter, which he described as “this glittering jewel of colossal ignorance,” for charity, and he pledged to match the price, dollar for dollar.

On Thursday night, Mr. Limbaugh, the conservative radio talk show host, said he thought the letter would bring in as much as $1 million. He was wrong.

When the eBay auction closed yesterday afternoon, the winning bid was $2.1 million. It is the largest amount ever paid for an item sold on eBay to benefit a charity.

The money will go to the Marine Corps-Law Enforcement Foundation Inc., a nonprofit organization in New Jersey that provides scholarships and other assistance to families of marines and federal law enforcement officials who die or are wounded in the line of duty. Mr. Limbaugh is a director of the organization, which had total revenues of $5.2 million last year.

Having made his own fortune by underestimating the intelligence of the American public, it was only a matter of time before Mr. Limbaugh would explore new markets.  People will pay top dollar, apparently, for the artifacts of boneheaded self-righteousness.

Mr. Limbaugh’s action suggests a new frontier for fundraisers.  Can the indicted members of nonprofit and foundation boards  make it up to their disgraced organizations by auctioning off their arrest warrants, for example, or their prison dungarees?  Suppose the housekeeper who dusts Alberto Gonzalez’s empty office (Mary, are you reading this?) were to donate to the ACLU the series of memos establishing the United States as a nation that tortures.  How much would these fetch on eBay?

Some of you will recall that several years ago, Mr. Limbaugh’s housekeeper, Wilma Cline, approached Florida authorities to reveal that she had acted as his drug buyer for years, illegally purchasing more than 30,000 painkillers.  Perhaps Mr. Limbaugh would consider auctioning off the court briefs that helped him avoid prosecution, or the master recording of the radio show in which he called defenders of medical marijuana “potheads.”

My advice to fundraisers: Hop on this gravy train as quickly as possible.  The bottom will fall out of the market once consumers realize the tokens of human folly and vice are in liberal supply.

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* “Critical Letter to Limbaugh Fetches $2 Million,” by Stephanie Strom.

Black Courtesy, White Courtesy: The Great ARNOVA Race Debate

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Editor’s note: Two weeks ago an ARNOVA member set off a campfire of controversy by warmly recommending the White Courtesy Telephone blog to his colleagues.  For those of you unfamiliar with the group, ARNOVA is an association of extremely intelligent people who study the nonprofit sector.  WCT investigative reporter Rachel Tension was able to obtain a transcript of the highly charged ARNOVA discussion, parts of which are reproduced below.  (We changed the participants’ names because we were too lazy to ask their permission to use their real names.)  In Washington, DC, it’s dog eat dog.  In academia, it’s the opposite, so we were frankly hesitant to approach the subject without some professional assistance.  We invited WCT semiotician-on-retainer, Monique Nescafé, to help interpret the transcript for us.  Dr. Nescafé’s work for the past several years has focused on neomaterialist narratives in the novels of Jennie Adams.  This is her first guest post with WCT …

I am so very happy to be invited to write for the White Telephone of Courtesy, and especially to comment on the post-capitalist discourse of ARNOVA members.  They say the American mind is closed.  No, my friends, he is wide open, like the pore of some gigantic sweat gland.

Consider this small exchange:

Alas, … I find the name [White Courtesy Telephone] unfortunate. It may indeed be useful but the title is off-putting.
—Betty

I am in the process of considering the title for my upcoming book, so I have titles on my mind.  Can you clarify what it is about the title of the White Courtesy Telephone blog that makes it off-putting? …
—Dorothy

I think the title of “white courtesy” gives the impression that there is something else possible like “black courtesy”—i.e. that there are disparate courtesies for different groups. Or even worse—that there is no other courtesy other than white courtesy.  I have been involved in discussions with other groups who would therefore find the title offensive. Unless of course you mean it ironically (like we don’t have white courtesy).  At the very least, I do not actually understand what “white courtesy” means.
—Betty

In her brilliant rejoinder,  Betty lays bare the racial insensitivity of the White Courtesy Telephone editors.  This is not in dispute: these editors often make light of subjects that would be better treated with reverential silence.  I applaud Betty.  Her act of problematization, of affirming a posttextual paradigm of reality—the impression of a racialized there-for-me—is, in my view, an intellectual tour de force.

How does she do it?  She describes herself as being in a superposition of affective eigenstates: while it’s true that she feels “put off,” she simultaneously postpones her feelings of offense as she considers an ironic reading of “white courtesy.”  She is put off, but she is not quite yet put off.  (A monk asks Dongshan Shouchu, “What is Buddha?” Dongshan answers, “Three pounds of flax.”)  And although Betty does not actually understand what “white courtesy” means, she complains about the phrase anyway.  If confusion is the first step to knowledge, then Betty is clearly very knowledgeable.

Betty also brilliantly presences the elided contextuality of the ARNOVA discourse by referring to “other groups” that would find the blog’s name offensive.  This kind of offense-by-proxy is the mark of a generous individual, willing to be offended not only for herself but on behalf of others as well.

And so, what is it ultimately that puts the “white” in White Courtesy Telephone?  Another ARNOVA commentator chimes in:

… we know words make a difference, so what I’m interested in is: why did the creators of white courtesy telephone pick that name, rather than, say, ‘black courtesy telephone,’ or just plain old ‘courtesy telephone’?

Was it in order to prompt this very discussion?

Or do white courtesy telephones have a special connotation not shared with courtesy telephones of other colours?

I may be exposing my ignorance here—but that’s because I’m ignorant.
—Nigel

Did Monsieur Ruesga, when he chose the name White Courtesy Telephone, choose it in order to “prompt this very discussion”?  It is possible, n’est-ce pas?  He might very well have anticipated the ARNOVA exchange as a sommelier anticipates a Montrachet 1978 from Domaine de la Romanée-Conti.  How delicious, to inquire after coloured telephones through the fog of a fine wine.  While these coloured telephones may have a special significance, we will henceforth, in deference to our subject, refer to them as telephones of colour.

Children in Detention

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The mood in House 5 is somber.  Eight children ranging in age from 14 to 17, three of them girls, sit patiently as a young lawyer reviews their rights.  Several days or weeks earlier, the children, unaccompanied by family members, had been arrested at different parts of the U.S.–Mexico border attempting the dangerous crossing.  They were fleeing the poverty of their home countries.  They had come for work or to be reunited with their parents.

“How many of you are from El Salvador?” the lawyer asks them in Spanish.  Four children raise their hands.  “How many from Guatemala?”  Three more hands go up.

One young boy who looks a little taller and fairer than the others explains as best he can that he’s Romani—a Gypsy—but also speaks a little Romanian.  The advocate assures him he’ll be briefed later that day in his own language.  The boy neither smiles nor frowns, but folds his arms and looks past the pink and blue curtains into the brightly lit courtyard outside the window.  His eyes focus on a distant point as he struggles to piece together the meanings of the few words of Spanish he can recognize.

*          *          *

The children’s detention center in Phoenix is a series of squat, cinder block buildings with an adjoining soccer field and a small swimming pool, surrounded by a large metal fence.  The facility is managed by Southwest Key Programs, an Austin-based nonprofit.  Staff members, most of them women, do their best to care for the 130 children in their charge.

One of the most striking aspects of this facility is the complete absence of any Mexican children.  According to Aryah Somers, a staff attorney with the Florence Immigrant and Refugee Rights Project, there’s a “gentleman’s agreement” between Mexico and the United States that all Mexican nationals apprehended at the border will be immediately returned to Mexico.  According to reports, it’s common for unaccompanied children to be dropped off in Mexican border towns in the middle of the night and left to fend for themselves.

Before coming to this facility, non-Mexican children might have spent days or even weeks in border jails.  Children have reported being deliberately mistreated while in Border Patrol custody.  According to the Florence Project, these children

are handcuffed, forced to sleep on the floor without blankets or pillows, denied medical treatment, and verbally and physically abused.  Children report that they are given only one piece of bread in the morning and a small taco at night, and then punished when they say they are hungry and ask for more food.

It’s worth noting here that only two countries—the United States and Somalia—have failed to ratify the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.

*          *          *

Think Impactful. Think Turn-Key. Think Sticky C2C.

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As the new business manager for the White Courtesy Telephone, I asked my assistant Pauline to check out the company we keep in our blogroll.  She found this post from Phil Cubeta on The Role of the Holy Fool:

If we are to cure the souls of our clients, or victims, much less our leaders, we must first cure ourselves of vanity, and of fear. The first sign of wisdom is Motley.  Anyone who thinks that The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People and the like are enough is a Fool, and a bad one, lacking humor.  Ignorance, dogma, and complacency, bourgeois striving for measurable results denominated in inches, ounces, or dollars are virtues up to a point because they connect you to the mass market and the mass mind in a society devoted to base enjoyments.  But to cure yourself and others you must go a lonelier way.

Look at me, Phil.  Don’t slouch: What’s with all the big words, my friend?  What you write is the Old School thinking of a pre-networked age, more bricks than clicks.

Here, hop aboard the corporate torpedo.

At the White Courtesy Telephone, we believe it’s better to mesh strategically than reconfigure reactively. We know that without infomediaries like ourselves, subscriber communities will be forced to de-optimalize. Our feature set is unmatched, but our one-to-one e-commerce and non-complex incentivization are often considered a terrific achievement.

Quick, Phil: Do you have a 24/7 plan for syndicating new paradigms? I didn’t think so.

We, on the other hand, will transform the power of metrics to exploit.  It may seem realistic, but it’s compelling.

What will you offer them, Phil?  Grown men and women in motley; overcooked servings of satire and parable.  If these things really had the power to change the world, they’d be illegal.  Moral truth is what’s traded on the New York Stock Exchange.

Here’s a few bucks.  Get yourself a new hat.  And here’s my card: call me if you want me to do for you what I did for Sean.

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Business-babble courtesy of the Corporate Gibberish Generator at AndrewDavidson.com.

Nonprofit Wonderland

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Guest blogger Jon Van Til takes us through the looking glass in this meditation on the role of the “Independent Sector” in contemporary American society.  If you’re interested in being a guest contributor to White Courtesy Telephone, contact us by writing to courtesy_telephone (at) yahoo.com.

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With gratitude to Lewis Carroll and William Van Til

When Alice was a little girl, she popped down the rabbit hole and visited Wonderland, where she had strange adventures and interesting conversations. Later, she went through the Looking Glass and visited the courts of the White Queen and the Red Queen.

Time passed. Alice grew up and became a nonprofit organization manager. But she never outgrew her habit of visiting Wonderland and Looking Glass House. She went back—every 6 years because 6 is a very nice number though not as odd as either 5 or 7.

So 2007 came around and Alice found herself at a wonderful reunion, a Mad Tea Party attended by the March Hare, the Hatter, the Dormouse, and all of the other inhabitants of Wonderland.

“No room, no room!” they cried when they saw Alice.

“There’s plenty of room,” said Alice indignantly. “That’s a very rude way to greet a person who hasn’t been back since 2001, 6 years ago.” She sat down anyway.

“Tell us a story!” said the March Hare.

“Tell us about that odd place you come from,” ordered the Queen of Hearts. “Is it the Delighted States or the Benighted States?  Else, off with your head.”

“It’s the United States,” corrected Alice, for she had gone to a good university and had learned to call things by their right names.

“Are they really United?” asked the March Hare. “Last time you were here you were telling us about divisions between your Red and Blue states.”

“Oh, things are fine there now,” said Alice. “The Fundamentalist Ministers who were behind the rise of the Red States have become strong environmentalists, and in Massachusetts, the cradle of the American Revolution 230 years ago, there’s less fighting over marrying men and women separately and more interest in health care reform.”

“Time for some Woman Talk,” boomed the Queen of Hearts. “How fare the women?”

“They’re liberated now,” said Alice enthusiastically. “We’re achieving equal rights and that’s good. Something else is happening though. Marriage is becoming unfashionable. Men and women often live together temporarily and break up whenever they’re inclined to have sexual relations with someone else.”

“So who takes care of the children?” asked the Queen.

“We haven’t figured that out yet,” said Alice apologetically. “Many young people also run around doing their own thing. Some are practicing the three Ds—Delinquency, Drugs, and Deviation.”

“Such bad behavior!” roared the Queen.  “Off with their heads!"  She flounced to the foot of the table.

Profiles in Nonprofit Advocacy

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A recent item from America’s Finest News Source:

Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year

WASHINGTON, DC —Thanks to the group’s tireless efforts, six generations of civilians have never known the cruelty and duress of quartering unruly foot-soldiers.

I admire people who act on the courage of their convictions.

How Do You Define Nonprofit Success?

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Some people say that a nonprofit organization is “successful” if …

1. it accomplishes its mission.
2. it accomplishes its mission then goes out of business.
3. at least 51 percent of its funders agree that it has accomplished its mission.
4. at least 51 percent of clients served agree that it has accomplished its mission.
5. it maximizes its social benefit-to-cost ratio.
6. it minimizes its cost per client per unit of social utility produced.
7. it provides a high quality service to a few of our most vulnerable neighbors.
8. it provides a fairly low quality service to many of our most vulnerble neighbors.
9. it’s scalable.
10. it has scaled significantly over the last ten years.
11. it has paid staff.
12. it operates in more than one city.
13. it has branch offices on other planets.
14. its operating budget is over $100 million.
15. it’s funded by the Bradley Foundation.
16. it’s funded by the Ford Foundation.
17. it’s replicable.
18. it’s sustainable.
19. it requires no subsidy to sustain its operations.
20. it has a president/CEO who’s a household name.
21. the organization is a household name.
22. it’s been endorsed by Lindsay Lohan.
23. it’s been endorsed by Angelina Jolie.
24. Morgan Fairchild is a board member.
25. Bill Clinton is a board member.
26. nonprofit executive directors and other “experts” believe it’s successful.
27. Phil Cubeta thinks it’s successful.
28. the organization is important to a generally disempowered segment of the population.
29. year after year, in its own quiet way, it manages to scrape enough money and volunteers together to serve a community largely ignored by other brand name nonprofits.
30. the organization changes the basic equations of power in favor of the oppressed.
31. it works toward a vision of the Good shared by an enlightened elite.
32. it works toward a commonly shared vision of the Good.
33. it helps focus on our minds on eternal things.
34. etcetera …

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Addendum:

Proof That There Are An Infinite Number Of Ways To Define “Nonprofit Success”

A nonprofit is successful if at least 51 percent of the public agrees that it has accomplished its mission.

A nonprofit is successful if at least 51.1 percent of the public agrees that it has accomplished its mission.

A nonprofit is successful if at least 51.11 percent of the public agrees that it has accomplished its mission.

Etcetera.

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Image source: Celebrity HotVideo