P O S T E D B Y A L B E R T
I met the Countess Apraxina at a reception hosted by the Tolstoi Foundation and we hit it off instantly, partly because I was born to trade bons mots with European aristocracy. The Countess is an unusual woman. Her parents were in their nonage when the bodies of Tsar Nicholas II and his family, after being soaked in acid and burned, were disposed of down a mineshaft. These terrible events, recounted often by her father at the dinner table, made an indelible impression on the young Countess’s mind. “They’re what persuaded me to go into public relations,” the Countess confided to me after her sixth Champagne Martini.
Concerned about the number of nonprofit executive directors who are burning out and leaving their jobs, I asked the Countess if, in her professional opinion, there was something we could do to make charitable work more exciting, more appealing to people inside and outside the field. I just heard back from her today:
My Dearest Alyosha—
I have done research, and I think I can fix public image of nonprofits and foundations for little less than $40 million. I have attached budget. Naturally it excludes my per diem expenses.
I went to philanthropy conference. I saw people sitting in cold rooms, half dead from narcosis, drooling into laps. So few men! Women everywhere, wearing beiges, blacks, and tans … It was sad, very sad. Nonprofit conference the same, except with more young people wearing sensible shoes. Very dull, like when Uncle Sergei assailed me with entire history of Turkic peoples.
First, I want André to do your colors. Which reminds me, my dearest Alyosha, that our mutual friend Mark R. has shown me two photographs of you wearing the same orange shirt. Orange doesn’t suit you, my dearest, it’s vulgar, color for children and prostitutes, not distinguished grey-beard like you.
So yes, André will do your colors because you all dress like undertakers. And I will ask Tony Proscio to change way you speak. Have you noticed, little zaychik, that you bore paint off walls? “Convenings,” “learnings,” “empowerment”—what is this? Emigré that I am, I have little trouble reading Gerard Manley Hopkins, but I can’t understand one word of what you and your colleagues say. Such a shame!
For first publicity stunt, I think I will stage high speed car chase through lower Manhattan, with possibly some kind of brawl near Stock Exchange. I will ask Nikolai about this.
I know you are thinking, ‘Such a brilliant woman, this Countess. Truly there is no substitute for good breeding!’ Of course I agree with you completely.
The car chase is perfect, I think, because it will take people’s minds off your petty larcenies. To add little spice, I thought you might encourage nonprofit colleagues to trash hotel rooms when they attend dismal conferences. Perhaps small disagreements in boardrooms can escalate into shootouts between—what is word?—pistol-packing trustees. And is it at all possible to have one of your program officers arrested in Las Vegas for cheating at Roulette? Please let me know at your earliest convenience.
Your sector needs more excitement, Alyosha, more young people, more drama. Fortunately, I believe I can work with Steve Gunderson. Very handsome. I think for next conference I put him in cowboy boots and gold Speedos.
Remember, these are just sketches, Alyosha, try to see big picture …
As a start up business online, The Russian Fairytale Marriage Agency eagerly awaits the Russian Brides testimonials from our newly registered Brides & Grooms. With clear policies in place regarding registration, we anticipate becoming well established and aim to achieve complete customer satisfaction in the Russian Brides Marriage industry, although this ideal coupling will happen at its own proper pace. We strongly believe it is for the best, as we look into the future and determine our Marriage Agency to be a comforting and permanent fixture for years to come.
The ladies from Russian Fairytale Marriage Agency are single and seek genuine men with a view to marriage and friendship. Wedding photos & Testimonials will grace these pages by the dozen and do not believe for a moment that this cannot be you. We are committed to matching up single men with life partners and if you genuinely seek a doting wife, then you should register without further hesitation and begin correspondence with the potential lady of your dreams from our marriage site. Ladies from Russia dream of being Brides of a Cultured Western man and seek a Union of matrimonial bliss away from the routine partners from within their own country. There is always the option of direct contact to our office to establish contact with your future Brides from Russia.
My lovely wife has spent a decade living and working in Australia; she offers her thoughts and professional advice to the ladies who register with our Marriage Agency on the lifestyle and culture of the Western World. To ensure that you are not disappointed, register now and look forward to the happy day with your very own beautiful bride. All enquiries are strictly confidential from not only your side but from our ladies as well and remember that the ladies from Russian Fairytale are passionate about decisive men, dreaming of becoming the Russian bride of a smart high achieving Western gentleman. So go on and push your hesitation aside, make it happen, Russian Fairytale Ladies are eager to become brides, but the first call is yours. A bride from Russia… sounds great!!!
Posted by: www.russian-fairytale.com | February 14, 2008 at 04:51 AM
Great post. Personally I think that Russian brides are the best women ever and the whole thing about the online dating and marriage agencies are fabulous.
Posted by: Oksana Boichenko | July 26, 2008 at 07:51 AM
Thats hilarious - love the idea of the high speed car chase!
Heres to Russian aristocracy :)
Posted by: Alex | September 22, 2008 at 07:43 AM