Editor’s note: We occasionally publish letters written to us by the Countess Apraxina. We’ve asked her to join the White Courtesy Telephone family of bloggers, but she steadfastly refuses, stating firmly that “Apraxina does not blonk.” Never having learned his name properly, she consistently refers to WCT blogger Albert Ruesga as “Alyosha,” the Russian nickname for Alexei.
Thank you for sending Apraxina pictures of your new home in New Orlinks. At first, my sweet, I thought you were sending me pictures of place where you keep your livestock, but then I remember you do not own any—not one little piglet! How silly of me!
I also receive your note and yes, yes, my little zaychik, I am not forget I promise to help inject little glamour into uninspiring life you lead as foundation laborer, and I mean this only in nicest way. I am ask new assistant, Raul, former Chilean miner, to cutpaste article from San Jose Mercury News. Is about glorious fundraiser for X PRIZE Foundation:
For starters, there were the unusual auction items:
Zero Gravity Corp. of Ft. Lauderdale contributed “eight minutes of weightlessness” to the top bidder and 31 friends.
Space Adventure of Vienna donated … a private tour for 10 people of the Balkonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan.
British entrepreneur Sir Richard Branson … invited the auction winner and one travel companion to be his guest on his South African game reserve.
These ideas I like very much, Alyosha. For weightlessness, Uncle Sergei suggest we enclose auction winners in bubble wrap and push them off top of Flatiron building where he has office. Not eight minutes weightless, he say, but more exciting, and if you survive fall, you get go again. As for tour in Kazakhstan: Я предпочел бы съесть бутерброд какашка!* Why not poke auction winners with cattle prods instead? No, no, my dear! Apraxina will find more suitable alternative, like suggestion of Mr. Richard Branson. Visit to game reserve is quite good idea since many people enjoy killing things when on holiday.
I am forget mention I saw Mr. Shamrock recently at Tea Party meeting. I hope you are not jealous. Such handsome man, and you, Alyosha, always fighting him like Russian bear! We were discussing welcome back party for Lord Conrad Black when we heard appeals court had upheld his conviction. Such a shame! So many good men behind bars—and out of work ever since your Mr. Hopey Changey took office! But this is good opportunity for your foundation, Alyosha. I am telling you, you can buy, for—how you say?—bargain basement prices lawyers willing to write briefs supporting state-sponsored torture. At one conservative think tank I visit recently there is big sale on economists who say tax cuts for rich are essential. This same think tank is practically giving away scientists who deny climate change!
Anyway, I must go my dear. Miss you terribly. Call me on my cell.
— Countess Apraxina
* Translates roughly as “I would rather eat a turd sandwich.”