Editor’s note: We publish occasional messages sent to us by the Countess Apraxina. She and former White Courtesy Telephone editor Albert Ruesga became friends after meeting at a Tolstoi Foundation reception many years ago. According to Albert, the two spent the rest of the evening drinking Champagne Martinis and pretending to share a fondness for the works of Turgenev. The Countess consistently and mistakenly refers to Albert as Alyosha ...
My Dearest Alyosha:
I am surprise to see my new assistant, Ivan, read your blonk. He tell me he is on payroll of Vikki Spruill who as you know is безумный [ed: crazy] for foundations. Poor Ivan is dangerously bored with your writing so you will stop immediately. Yesterday he dissolve 50 Ambiens in Big Gulp frozen daiquiri. But don’t worry, my little turkey waddle, he did not drink. As he hold cup to lips he say, “Inducing state of eternal nothingness would be redundant after reading White Courtesy Telephones!”
How tedious you have become, my little zaychik, and I mean this only in nicest way. As we say in old country, “Guilt is rope that wears thin quickly.” Much better to make powerful people feel good about themselves. We are the winners, Alyosha. Don’t lecture us about truth. We eat truth for breakfast with side of sausage.
You will call me on cell, please, to tell me how much you admire me and because I need your advice. Am working on new Impact Investments project for Global Philanthropy Forums. We are going to bring power to villages in rural India by passing electricity through people too hungry to move. This will stimulate activity at Bottoms of Pyramid. Villagers will then use electricity to shop on Amazon. Investors get 3 percent of every purchase over 10 Rupees.
I have foot massage at four o’clock your time but call me after. Ciao.
— Countess Apraxina
Other messages from the Countess:
- The Countess Apraxina on Fashion
- The Countess Apraxina Blings Philanthropy
- The Countess Apraxina on Fundraising