P O S T E D B Y A P R A X I N A
I am dictate these words to my assistant, Paolo (he is one on left), as special favor to good friend, Albert Rezga. Albert asked that I write article for his blonk. I pity him because he is foundation drone with bad haircut, but please understand that Apraxina does not blonk. Blonking is for indiscrete people who buy clothes from catalogues and work in cubicles.
I am never forget day I first meet Albert at Tolstoy Foundation reception. He was very sad, barely nibbling crab cake hors d’oeuvre, and, also, I must say, very dull. So earnest! But Apraxina gets—how you say?—weak kneels when handsome man quotes Turgenev.
To continue: Albert was concerned philanthropy’s image had been tarnished by scandals, that it lacked vigor and was often “unstrategic.” Such big word from such little man! But I understood because I had been to philanthropy conference. I saw men and women with bowed heads carrying small sacks filled with papers. Very sad. And so much talking! People in uncomfortable chairs, opining in cold rooms, inducing narcosis-like state in listeners. “Alë, garázh!” I shouted, “Rasskazhí éto komú-nibúd drugómu!”* I would rather spend afternoon with Uncle Sergei listening to description of most recent colonoscopy.
I thought I could help Albert by drawing inspiration from very dear friend, Hunter S. Thompson, Gonzoi journalist. He started foundation** before he committed suicide (perhaps he attended same conference I did?). But I was disappointed when I visited—how you say?—Internets. You will look at this link, please. I want tell Mr. Ralph Steadman that this is no tribute to Hunter S. Thompson. What is big arm in desert? Did it turn man with suitcase into big chicken?
* “Hail, citizen [an ironic address]! Tell it to someone who cares!” — Editors
** “A Legacy for the Godfather of Gonzo” by Michael Anft, Chronicle of Philanthropy, November 10, 2005.