P O S T E D B Y A P R A X I N A
My Dearest Alyosha:
You will have heard by now from Uncle Sergei that I have taken new clients. You cannot blame me. You did not like idea of car chase and shootout in lower Manhattan, or my sketches for new foundation couture. I warned you about my friend Noël Godin, but you wouldn’t listen. You are chicken-hearted little man with lousy haircut, and I mean this only in nicest way, but I couldn’t wait for you, my darling golubchik, to choose from among Apraxina’s many brilliant ideas for improving image of philanthropy.
I am now helping Oprah with her new philanthropy reality show. I must tell you, Alyosha, I am never forget the day I first meet the great Oprah Winfrey. She became thinner and fatter in front of my eyes, one moment airbrushed to within inch of life, the next with pores as big as Chernobyl smokestacks. She reminded me of strange quantum fluctuation once described to me in agonizing detail by my cousin Vanya, nuclear physicist. (I will introduce you to Vanya one day. Like you, he can bore paint off walls. Just kidding, my little zaychik.)
Yesterday we finished filming opening credits for show. First you see enormous effigy of Andrew Carnegie covered with sparklers rising out of depths of Beverly Hills swimming pool. Camera pans away to hundreds of wealthy debutantes wearing gold bathing caps swimming around Mr. Carnegie’s trousers and, at climactic moment, linking arms to spell words, “Tax Reform Act of 1969.” Is brilliant, yes?
Oprah wants put on film “most powerful, sensational, emotional and dramatic ways to give to others.” Her staff once made her distribute major appliances to poor people from big truck. This is idea worthy of pinheads who work in cubicles. Apraxina is planning delivery of double-wide trailers to tsunami victims using aircraft carrier (think “Mission Accomplished”). Next week we will use giant aquarium to move entire lake from Minnesota to arid region of sub-Saharan Africa.
So, yes, I also will help launch glossy magazines for rich donors. Inaugural issue of Generocity will include photo spread on philanthropic fetish gear, with sexy Google billionaire Larry Page tied to post and flogged by anonymous panhandler in designer chaps.
We were going to do photo shoot of conservative donors teaching man to fish, but we had to cancel when we discovered man had only one arm and no fishing pole.
That is all I have time for now, my darling lyubimy. Call me on my cell.
— Countess Apraxina